When Hope Is a Choice

**Contains spoilers for Season 6, Episode 9 of The Handmaid’s Tale**

One thing I learned how to do well during the first Trump administration was compartmentalize. It was the only way to survive, really. The constant juggle of trying to stay sane and stay informed was soul-depleting. It got to the point where I would tuck away my fury and despair so I could continue to function, take care of my family, and make it through the day.

The last few weeks I’ve been tucking away so many emotions. We’re less than a month out from our move, and it’s been very challenging to undergo such big personal transitions at the same time our country is in such a state of chaos and uncertainty. A headline pops up on my phone, I skim it, and my brain puts up a neon red mental barrier that reads, “NOPE. You don’t have the capacity for this right now.” So I’ve been shoving my feelings down into an invisible compartment and focusing on my day-to-day.

Well, Episode 9 of The Handmaid’s Tale opened the box.

This episode wrecked me. From the opening sequence of June walking in stride with the other Handmaids set to none other than “Look What You Made Me Do,” by THE Taylor Swift, I knew it was going to be a doozy, but I had no idea how much it was going to destroy me.

It began with crushing despair when June and the Handmaids were captured AGAIN. The despair you can only understand if you’ve watched this series from the very beginning and nearly gave up during certain seasons because there was simply NO RELIEF. Every effort at escape thwarted, every glimmer of hope crushed . . . it was truly unbearable to watch at times. And to have it happen again, at the very end, when they were so damn close? Agonizing. You truly had no idea what was going to happen, because this show has stolen satisfaction from viewers so many times before—I would not have been surprised at all if June had hanged.

But then Aunt Lydia, literally about to meet her death at the hangman’s noose cried, “Dear lord, forgive me, and please forgive them, my precious girls, have mercy for what they’ve done, for they have been prisoners of WICKED, GODLESS MEN!”

And my eyes filled with tears.

Then June gave her own prayer of “atonement,” punctuated by the most perfect, full-circle line—“DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GRIND YOU DOWN!” right before Mayday rushed the platform.

But it wasn’t until the formation of jets appeared onscreen soaring overhead and someone shouted, “Those are American planes!” that I actually started to sob.

“Those are American planes.”

America, coming to save the day. My God, they did it. I couldn’t believe it. FINALLY. A WIN. Something went RIGHT. And then immediately all I could think was,

How long has it been since I felt this in my country?

When was the last time I had pride and hope?

When will someone finally come to save US from this nightmare?

It was just so bittersweet to see the good guys show up in a show I am so invested in, that so closely mirrors our current reality, and KNOW that they aren’t showing up in real life. It was the most surreal experience, and my brain couldn’t even process it but the tears just came in big, wracking sobs of simultaneous pride and despair.

After that, I held it together until Lawrence. I think we all sensed it was coming when he wanted to make sure Charlotte had all of her art supplies and get assurance that Naomi would continue to read to her.

“Make some more pictures for me. Lots of colors.”

Oh, my heart.

But that final scene in the hangar with June . . .

“Courage looks good on you, Joseph.”

“I learned from the best.”

And then suddenly everything changed.

He got on the plane.

That look he gave June as he boarded? His hand coming to his heart. The deep regret in his eyes. The quiet, sad resolve.

I just cried. I cried so hard. I’m crying now writing about it.

I cried because one of the original master architects of Gilead chose to help bring it all down because he knew it was the right thing to do. A deeply flawed character found redemption—he chose the path of honor and integrity, even though he knew it would cost him everything.

And I cried because I realized I’ve just been waiting for someone to do that now. Here. In this moment in history. In this administration. I’ve been waiting for someone to finally pull back the curtain and step out from behind it and say, “You know what? We got it really wrong. It was never supposed to be like this. We messed up, and we need to make it right.”

I’ve been waiting for someone to have courage.

And I’m just so disappointed that this is where we are.

I’ve had a note in my phone saved since the second episode of this season. It’s a brief exchange between Nick and Mark Tuello when Nick has tentatively agreed to cooperate with the Americans.

Nick is just incredulous that Mayday hasn’t given up yet, especially since their forces are so small in comparison to Gilead’s.

Mark explains their resilience and determination to Nick—“They believe in freedom. They want their country back.”

Nick responds, “How many bodies are you going to let them throw in the fire? When is enough enough?”

And Mark simply says, “When there’s no one left to fight.”

I just hope we can continue to hold on, that we can continue to fight. That we can all find the courage in the moments that matter most.

And as so many emotions now swirl around freely during a time of intense personal and societal upheaval, I believe it’s no coincidence that this morning, my eye caught one particular phrase from my favorite educator, Sharon McMahon—

“Hope is not a feeling, it is a choice.”

So I hold onto the conviction that someday, through the choices we make, we will finally have redemption.